Hello? …




Spies like us….

The UK’s ITV news has just reported that one of the alleged Russian spies has admitted guilt in an American court.

As the artist’s impression shows, it seems odd that the fact they’ve obviously arrested Lenin, didn’t actually set any alarm bells ringing to begin with!

I just watched a film called Phantoms.

(If I tell you there’s a scene where Ben Affleck talks to bacteria on a TV screen and says “If we do as you say, will you let us live?”, you know I’m talking class.)

…and now this post is 3 minutes of my life I’m never getting back too.

You know that cheap trick in movies where you think the bad guy (or gal) is dead at the end and the most deserving gal (or guy) is going to escape and get away safely …only for the final scene to show a hand picking up a gun, or a car follow the heroine (or cocaine)? Well, it seems the same goes for computer operating systems.

Like the sheep I am, I queued up for, and finally obtained, the new Apple iPhone4 two days after its launch (I’m tapping this on it now).

Immersed in a world of white that is the Apple Shop, I willingly signed over the next 18 months of my life as a very helpful shop assistant tapped away at her white Apple Mac in an effort to sell me my little white box with it’s new iPhone contained within. Towards the end, during the stapling together of numerous ribbons of receipts, I took a closer look at her Mac screen. And there, in the Apple Shop, surrounded by single-bitten apples adorning white hardware of all shapes and prices, buying an Apple flagship product being processed on a Apple Mac, I notice that it is, in fact, being handled via a Windows XP emulator!

There’s not many other situations where you can effectively give Bill Gates the middle digit such as this. And yet, there he was, just as I was about to make my own escape, macabrely laughing at me.

The end of this film would have Carrie-Ann kneeling at the Mac, fingers spread apart touching the screen as she slowly turns her head, “He’s here!”

(the last picture taken with my old 3Gs)

Actually, really, I’m not.

But by god, did I fire off a crappy email to ITV yesterday.

They’ve done it before, and they did it again. At a pivotal moment during an important football match (and by football, I mean the sport where you use your foot against the ball, not the girls’ version of rugby) ITV suddenly switched to an advert at that exact time that England scored a goal!

As if the adverts weren’t bad enough !

Not only is the customer always wrong, we obviously don’t understand what it is we require.

Not wishing the two-day-old bird crap to eat into my car’s paintwork (should it get through the volcanic ash layer first), I decided to fill up and get a quick car wash on my way to work this morning.

“Pump number 10 and your most basic car wash.” I said to the person at the till who, annoyingly, always calls me ‘boss’.

“Which one?” he asked.

“The most basic, the cheapest” I replied refusing to enter into Bronze, Silver, Gold as I would ordering a McCoke!

“That’s just the water one?” he confirmed.

I nodded with an affirming ‘mmhmm’.

“We have others with suds, boss” he says pointing to the display hanging over his head.

I refuse to look, I know what i’m asking for.

– uncomfortable silence –

He taps the sign again waiting for me to acknowledge my obvious error in what I’m asking for.

“I’m sorry,” (we British are terribly good at apologising) “But I’ve said three times already. I thought I was being quite clear about the car wash I wanted. Obviously not.”

As the till pings open he finally hands me the receipt, and mumbles “This is your number, take the aerial off your car roof.”

It doesn’t have one.

Oh yes I am…

I could never be a kids’ entertainer.

Writing this, stuck in the interval of a live kids show, I am amazed how the presenters carry on with so much shouting, screaming and fidgetting going on! I for one would wait until there was complete silence before continuing.

Oh yes I would. Oh yes I bleedin would.

(no photos allowed)